Faith and Not Fear Adventures: Faith in God's Grace and Love - Faith to Press Forward

Thanks for all the good wishes and helpful advice in relation to my last post! I've been making some good progress in financial stewardship, in large part thanks to your suggestions. Now that I've had some time to focus on that particular area, I felt like I was ready to tackle a new Faith and Not Fear Adventure, and began to brainstorm about what was most needed in my life, which project to tackle next.

But then some private, difficult events fell on me like a bomb these past two months. Suddenly, looking at a neat little on-a-page project is not the way I've needed to exercise faith over fear. It's been in the real-life, looming-in-your-face crap. It's been in the crises of faith and family and marriage, in the daily slog of pulling your day together when you feel like you're falling to pieces, and in the temptation to curl up under a blanket for the rest of the winter and wait all the problems out. So for February and March, instead of sharing a specific faith and not fear adventure, I'd like to share what I'm learning from the private faith battles I've had.

I have learned that I can't hold Christ at arm's distance, asking him to come in when I want help and then to step back when I'm not feeling up to trying any more. It's all or nothing - that is, it must all be done in His way, or it's all for naught. I have discovered (and I don't know how I didn't know this about myself) that I actually have fear and anxiety over the fact that God is immanent in my life. I am scared of the trials He's trusting me with, and I'm having trouble trusting Him - not that I don't believe He loves me or that He wants what's good for me, but trusting that He will let me reach a place of peace and happiness overall in this life. I KNOW my trials are good for me - but is there ever a chance to just be happy without having to grow so painfully all the time? I often don't feel too sure, and exercising faith in lasting earthly happiness takes some work sometimes. 

And although that knowledge of God's immanence has scared me, I'm learning that it doesn't have to. What I DO know is that Heavenly Father and Christ know me. They love me. Heavenly Father knows EACH one of us, and Christ is there to help EACH one of us. And God is not judging us the way I so often think He is. I pull away because it's too hard, or it's too much, or I'm not up to the challenge (or I don't want a challenge at all, thank you very much!), or I'm scared of failure; but Heavenly Father doesn't want us to feel like failures. He loves us. He wants the best for us. That's why He sent His Son. I am learning that He looks at us not as rebellious teenagers who need to be pulled back in line, but as babies learning to walk and falling over and toddling and falling again.

A good friend sent me one of the most inspiring LDS talks on grace I've heard. It has changed the way I think about God's grace, and has truly helped me rethink how I think about God's love and acceptance, and about the motivations behind the ways I try to live God's law in my life. Please, if you are going through a hard time, watch it. If you aren't, watch it anyway. Please watch it! Brad Wilcox's "His Grace Is Sufficient"

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966&view=2#.USwimidOtcM.facebook

I have been that girl he talks about, who views the Atonement in a linear way -- a certain distance of the line belonging to me, and Christ making up the rest. I don't know if I've ever realized THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. It's true that by grace we are saved after all we can do, but that does not mean "all we can do" fills some kind of gap that Christ cannot or does not.  Listen to the part about the piano lesson analogy to see what I mean. 

I have learned that I need a new kind of faith in God, to not just love Him but to overcome my fear of Him in order to really love Him. I am building faith that His ways are higher than mine. I am learning that the Atonement is not as sin-based as I tend to view it; but that it is change-based. I always knew that, but now I am experiencing it through a new lens that reaffirms the truth of that to me.

I'm learning the truth of this analogy by C.S. Lewis:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

How glorious! And maybe terrifying. And that's where faith and not fear comes into play.

"And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. And now, behold, my beloved brethren, this is the way; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end. Amen." - 2 Nephi 31:19-21

Faith and Not Fear Adventures: Financial Stewardship

I've been trying to think of a catchy mantra I can repeat to myself in moments of weakness to remind myself of my resolution to quell doubt, anxiety and fear with faith, action, and optimism. So far I've got "faith and not fear: be of good cheer!" I haven't decided if it's so dumb that I won't even use it, or if it's cheesy enough to actually work. It's not on my fridge yet, if that's an indicator.

The first bull I've tried to grab by the horns in my personal campaign to betterment is finances. It's been a rough ride for a chicken like me, but it's okay, because these changes are long overdue!

We are consistently admonished by scripture and by living prophets to be thankful for, and good stewards of, our financial and temporal blessings. Proverbs is littered with admonitions to work diligently and build our means wisely. Doctrine and Covenants is chock-full of specific applications relating to people who correctly or incorrectly used their position of stewardship over their financial assets, and dicates just what righteous stewardship entails (see Doctrine and Covenants 104:11-14). Most notable of all, Jesus Christ taught these principles through the parable of the talents and the servants (Matthew 25), and through his example to the Pharisees of the foolishness of a man starting a project he cannot afford to finish (Luke 14:28-30). We know we need to work hard, invest/spend/save prudently, give generously, pay tithing, and enjoy and be grateful for the abundance with which we've been blessed.

So, the spiritual compass is set. Now, for actual application!

I have a lot of weaknesses in this area. Although I am careful to watch my spending, I have never maintained a budget in our marriage, and I do not keep close track of the balance, ins, and outs of our bank account. I don't pay the bills, leaving that to Chris; and neither of us work during the school year (not for lack of trying last year, though: our schedules were too weird for even Wal-mart to hire us!). We don't have ANY savings. We don't buy stuff on credit, but we do owe a bundle in student loans, lurking menacingly in the wings of 2014 to catch up to us.
Yeah, pretty bad, isn't it? I personally have not been applying gospel counsel in ANY of the areas of good stewardship, except perhaps in gratitude for what we have and in prudence in what I spend on. That's why this project is so desperately needed.
This past semester, with grant money and loan money, we thought we'd have enough to pull us through until the next period of financial aide distribution. But without a budget, the money slipped away here and there: gas needed for Mesa drives, higher utilities than expected, healthier groceries without counting the cost, and so on. Suddenly we were facing the month of December, and with all every dollar we had put toward our rent check, we were still $200.00 short. I was horrified, and had no idea where the money had gone. It ended up working out, through a borrowed (and now repaid, thank you) sum from family; but I have determined that we will never be in that boat again - at least, not through inaction on my part!
So, I rolled up my sleeves and took a deep breath, determined to face the bank account. I got online and had to face the fact that I don't even have my own log-in, nor did I remember Chris's log-in/password - that's how infrequently I get on to our account! But I did it (Faith and Not Fear Triumph #1!).
Here's our current start (using our financial aide money given at the beginning of January)

• We payed our tithing (ALWAYS pay your tithing to the Lord first, folks! I'll save that for another post).
• We payed our rent for the full semester in advance. This was advice given by my sister-in-law, and I think it will be effective for us. It was scary to see the number drop from four digits to three, but on the other hand it was so satisfying to know that, come what may financially, our dwelling is secure; and it's important to not be fooled by a large number in the account, when that money is committed elsewhere in bills (Faith and Not Fear Triumph #2!).
• We payed our minor debts that had been on hold - lab work, eye testing for Chris, library fees, etc.
• We are setting aside 10% of any money that comes our way into savings. Even jobless, we've had pockets of income (Chris donates blood, I teach a voice student, we occasionally land singing gigs, etc), so the goal is for that 10% to be the tiny beginnings of a savings account.
• I am tracking exactly where every dollar goes, and I'm trying to set limits. I'm not so great at this. If there is anyone reading this who has suggestions about how to create a budget that works month to month, I would love advice. It's helpful to see how much is spent in a category like groceries or utilities; but I don't know how to get an estimate for how much to designate to a category per month, since my numbers per month vary wildly. Some months the grocery bill is nothing (like December, where we were given some canned food and then we spent the break with my in-laws and didn't grocery shop), and other months (like this month, since I'm replenishing I suppose) where the grocery bill seems way over the top. Any ideas for how to adjust the curve here would be appreciated.

 Future goals include plans to find work, using a budget to set aside even more in savings, and breaking out of being attached to family members' accounts for bills and such.

All of this paying off has left us with not much left over in the end, which is intimidating. But we know that Heavenly Father is taking care of us, as He always has, and that He is pleased that we are taking steps to align ourselves more with what He has taught us.
Chris is helping us along this road of financial stewardship by applying for work, and just today he officially lined up a ten-hour a week job in the music office on campus! At minimum wage, that might not seem like a big deal, but for our current situation, it's huge!! I'm so proud of him for making efforts to overcome his own fears/doubts by his work to secure a job. When we move our feet, the Lord provides a way. :)

"And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Of a truth I say unto you, that he will make him ruler over all that he hath."
Luke 12:42-44

Hello 2013!

Happy January 2013, y'all. Chris and I had a truly wonderful Christmas Break, and we will be heading back up to school in the next couple of days.

As usual, I've neglected this blog. But I'm back, with a lot of thoughts on my mind. So please excuse my poor grammar today. My thoughts are everywhere, so they will just come out as they are.

I have been given many, many, MANY blessings in my life. Some are blessings that have been given to all, such as the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, the gift of mortality. I've also been blessed to have my wonderful husband whom I love more than anything, my incredible mother and dad, my siblings, my in-laws and extended family, and dear friends. In our current phase of life, we even have a lovely apartment, the opportunity to attend school, and enough money to get by.

And yet, with all these blessings, I manage to tinge each one of them with my anxieties - fear, worry, sadness, doubt. These all lead to feeling guilt for not "appreciating" my blessings, which only feeds the negative feelings. But I am finally realizing that feeling sad or anxious doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I have been given. But nor can I just stop there and accept that it's okay to be constantly sad or anxious. So I've been pondering a lot about how to "keep" happy, and it's caused me to do some soul-searching about who I am and what's holding me back.

I am something of a timid person. I don't usually come across that way in conversation (for which I'm thankful), but when it comes right down to the meat-and-potatoes of life, I have a lot of fear. I'm afraid of trying new things. Making phone calls. Handling finances. Dancing. Job interviews, even working. Exercising around other people. Experimenting with recipes or hairstyles or painting. Doctor appointments.

But all that fear is getting me down. I'm getting to that place where, when I'm faced with an opportunity, I don't even respond with fear, I respond with negativity -- "I'm afraid to do that" becomes "I don't do that" becomes "I can't do that". Which ends up making me feel sad about myself and about life, when in reality the "can't" piece of my self-talk isn't necessarily true.

I want to be happy. I want to change. And this is my year to start!

It's time to give myself the advice that Elder Wirthlin's mother gave him: "Come what may and love it!" I'm done wringing my hands when the money is tight; I am going to learn how to budget better. I'm done scrolling through other people's Pinterest boards with a lump in my throat because I'm not Super Woman; I am going to be honest with myself about what matters to me, what will improve my life, and what I enjoy & not what others think I should enjoy, and then give those things a try! I'm done with thinking that the grass is greener on the other side; I am going to "lift where I stand" and water the grass where I am. I will try to keep all these aims balanced with a realistic view of making choices based on what the Lord wants of me, how much I can handle, and what will improve rather than burden my life. But it's time for me to stop treating the majority of my life as a burden, when actually, it's a wonderful life. I'm looking forward to the changes I'll make, and the effects those changes will have on my life!

So begins a journey!

"Be careful [anxious or fearful] for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ . . . whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4: 6-8

Semest(g)rrrrr!

The semester has been busy busy busy! For a quicker summation of what we've been up to, I'm borrowing from an email I wrote to a friend (so forgive me, Eden, if some of these sentences look familiar!). Here are some updates for the semester so far:

School: I am taking Environmental Sciences (where the first article we read was on the topic, "The Right to Breed [as humans] is Intolerable" and I was the ONLY person in the room who disagreed, if that gives you an idea about the class and my classmates); Southwest Humanities (which is actually really fascinating, minus the whole "white people and Christians are horrible to this day for everything you've done to the Native Americans"); English Immersion (online, a class to prep teachers for ELL students, very good class); and MAT 150 Principles of Mathematics (which is like a methods course for teaching the logic behind mathematical concepts to future teachers - we've been learning via the Mayan, Babylonian, and African tribal number systems so that we can see just how foreign learning our number system/math will be to our little kindergarteners someday. It's more about figuring out the logic than anything else. Hard, but cool). I will DEFINITELY not be getting all A's this year - the deadlines have been flying by, fast 'n furious! I'm trying to catch up and stay on top of things.

Church: We are back with our ward and back in our callings. I am the Primary Chorister, and I really think it is THE most joyful and fulfilling ward calling there is. I love getting to work with the children by singing songs, playing games, and focusing on the basics. This focus on the essentials has been a blessing to my own testimony as I've helped the children learn these principles through songs. I haven't always had a good attitude about this calling, but reading "To the Rescue" (Pres. Monson's biography) has inspired me to see the good in, and make the most of, my callings. Now I'm ashamed of the attitude I had, and can't imagine a better calling. Heavenly Father knows my abilities and my needs, and inspired to bishop to call me to this particular calling (which, this time around, has conveniently been a perfect fit for me). The big "event" for my calling is the annual Primary Sacrament Meeting Program, which is made up of spoken lines, testimonies, and songs from all of the children. I am really nervous, because it is this month, and since I've been gone for over three months, the children aren't very prepared (plus, it's a small group of kids, most of whom can't carry a tune). I have to keep reminding myself that the point is for the children to enrich their testimonies and their relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My role is to facilitate that, not to have a flawless program (though having both would be nice. Just sayin'.). I have to keep my pride in check, too, because the temptation is to worry about the impression the program will make on the congregation (since it's my first year leading the program, and the previous Chorister did it for 9 years with great success and much reluctance at letting go of the calling). I have to remember that the process is so, so much more important than the performance. Working on that. :)

Extracurricular: I am in the Master Chorale of Flagstaff and its chamber group Arizona's Mountain Chorale. It's a straight three and a half hours of choir late at night, but it's worth it to stay involved in music and get to work with Dr. Copley. It'll be nice, because in the Spring semester the choir joins with Shrine, so I'll get to sing with Chris again. I'm also babysitting for a lady in my ward with two little boys, since I can't seem to stop working with kids altogether.

 Work: Still looking. I have contacted the Flagstaff Unified School District for aide positions, put out flyers for teaching voice, reapplied to work at Fry's, and will soon attend a session with the employment specialist in my ward. We'll see how it goes. Mostly though, I am waiting for my fingerprint clearance card to come through. I think a whole lot of job opportunities will open up once that comes. My school schedule is a LOT more conducive to me getting a job this year. Last year, I had scattered classes filling my days, literally dozens of choir performances, and other music major related schedule fillers. This year, I planned my schedule so that I'm at school from 8:00am to 9:30pm on Tuesdays, 8:00am to 5:00pm on Thursdays, and only one hour and a half class on M/W. I could easily work a M/W/F job. We are praying that I and/or Chris will be able to find work.

Tidbits: Let's see, what else? We took some fun day trips around the Flagstaff area recently, to Wupatki ruins to Lowell Observatory. We loved Conference, and I'll write more about it in another post. I have been working hard to eat healthier and get in better shape. So far I have gone from 159 to 148 pounds, and I'd like to get down to 140 by the time Thanksgiving arrives.  I have completely fallen behind in posting on this blog. I am dreading the homework load of each new week.

I also wanted to share a personal tender mercy I had earlier in the semester. Maybe it's because we just moved back up, maybe it's because we are in so much debt, maybe it's because I didn't hang out with friends like I'd hoped to this summer, but several weeks ago, I was feeling very overwhelmed and alone, unloved and helpless. Within a 48 hour period of pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father about feeling so alone and unneeded by the people I love, I received a message, a text, an email, and a phone call from a best friend in high school, a best friend from CGCC, a much-admired sister-in-law, and a new friend I made this summer, all either letting me know that they were thinking about me for some reason, or to encourage me. It seems such a simple thing, but to me it was a dramatic experience letting me know that I am not alone. I have many, many wonderful people in my life, family and friends who care about me, a husband who is the best friend I could ever ask for, a loving Savior, and a loving Heavenly Father who answers prayers.

". . . and be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." - Hebrews 13:5

Back in the Saddle Again

Hm. Haven't posted in a long time, so this layout is pretty different. We'll see how it turns out.
To cover what I've missed:
The school year steamrollered along. I made the Dean's List, and since I was never an A-student in high school or at CGCC, this was very exciting to me. The irony is that the school work this year was harder than in years past, but I guess I've finally gotten organized enough to meet deadlines and have quality focus-time for homework and study. It was a hard, busy year.
My last weekend of concerts in Shrine of the Ages Choir was bittersweet. We had a truly wonderful Shrine concert at the Church of the Nativity, performing Ralph Vaughn-William's Mass in G Minor, along with selected repertoire from throughout the year. It was the fourth and final time that I got to sing the solo in "The Road Home", and it was a very moving experience for me and many others. I just love the message of that song - so beautiful. As I was singing, it finally sank in that, by leaving behind the option of a music degree, I was closing a chapter in my life that I would miss deeply. Even though I am happy with my choice, the thought still made my heart ache with a sense of loss. I will miss it - the art of making music with other artists, the unity of spirit when passionate musicians join voices under the direction of a master, the outlet of being an outlet for beautiful and meaningful works of music, and even the opportunities to sing a as a soloist. It's not like I'll never be part of music ensembles again, but it's not quite the same as dedicating my life to it, y'know? Plus, I'll miss having all the same classes as my honey.

However, I know, by confirmation of the Spirit, that I am making the right choice by leaving Choral Education and planning to someday be an elementary school teacher. I believe that, through teaching children, I will not only find greater joy than I would in any other career, but that I will be in a better position to bless others than I would in any other career. I am still very unsure about how it will all work out. I wish a thunderbolt would fall out of heaven and hit me on the head with the answers to: Work or school? School or family? Family or work? When? How? For at least this next semester, I've decided to be cool and stay in school. Don't ask me why I'm planning that, when we've got less than a hundred dollars to our name. But we've got financial aide coming next month, a full tank of gas, and family that won't let us starve, so that dollar numerical amount is not the only factor. Plus, for being so broke, we've had a pretty incredible summer, including a family trip to Yellowstone, working in MCC's Musical Theater Workshops, helping my family move to a new house (!!), and quality time with family and friends. I'll have to have a separate post about our summer experiences. For now, we are sad to be on the back end of summer - I could use several more weeks!