As usual, I've neglected this blog. But I'm back, with a lot of thoughts on my mind. So please excuse my poor grammar today. My thoughts are everywhere, so they will just come out as they are.
I have been given many, many, MANY blessings in my life. Some are blessings that have been given to all, such as the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, the gift of mortality. I've also been blessed to have my wonderful husband whom I love more than anything, my incredible mother and dad, my siblings, my in-laws and extended family, and dear friends. In our current phase of life, we even have a lovely apartment, the opportunity to attend school, and enough money to get by.
And yet, with all these blessings, I manage to tinge each one of them with my anxieties - fear, worry, sadness, doubt. These all lead to feeling guilt for not "appreciating" my blessings, which only feeds the negative feelings. But I am finally realizing that feeling sad or anxious doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I have been given. But nor can I just stop there and accept that it's okay to be constantly sad or anxious. So I've been pondering a lot about how to "keep" happy, and it's caused me to do some soul-searching about who I am and what's holding me back.
I am something of a timid person. I don't usually come across that way in conversation (for which I'm thankful), but when it comes right down to the meat-and-potatoes of life, I have a lot of fear. I'm afraid of trying new things. Making phone calls. Handling finances. Dancing. Job interviews, even working. Exercising around other people. Experimenting with recipes or hairstyles or painting. Doctor appointments.
But all that fear is getting me down. I'm getting to that place where, when I'm faced with an opportunity, I don't even respond with fear, I respond with negativity -- "I'm afraid to do that" becomes "I don't do that" becomes "I can't do that". Which ends up making me feel sad about myself and about life, when in reality the "can't" piece of my self-talk isn't necessarily true.
I want to be happy. I want to change. And this is my year to start!
It's time to give myself the advice that Elder Wirthlin's mother gave him: "Come what may and love it!" I'm done wringing my hands when the money is tight; I am going to learn how to budget better. I'm done scrolling through other people's Pinterest boards with a lump in my throat because I'm not Super Woman; I am going to be honest with myself about what matters to me, what will improve my life, and what I enjoy & not what others think I should enjoy, and then give those things a try! I'm done with thinking that the grass is greener on the other side; I am going to "lift where I stand" and water the grass where I am. I will try to keep all these aims balanced with a realistic view of making choices based on what the Lord wants of me, how much I can handle, and what will improve rather than burden my life. But it's time for me to stop treating the majority of my life as a burden, when actually, it's a wonderful life. I'm looking forward to the changes I'll make, and the effects those changes will have on my life!
So begins a journey!
"Be careful [anxious or fearful] for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ . . . whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4: 6-8
hear hear! I love these thoughts, I think we all have some anxiety in life. Let's let it go!
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