Blessedness, Or Why I'm Not Making Gratitude Posts This Year

Happy November, folks! The Thanksgiving lovers are planning their feasts on Pinterest, the Christmas lovers are getting a head start on their Christmas lists, and the autumn lovers are making up reasons to wear scarves and eat pumpkinspiceanything. It makes me happy. I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum - turning up the Christmas music too soon, not decorating soon enough, and trying to figure out how to honor Thanksgiving while December looms, busy with my kids' music group performance, Tommy's first birthday, and of course, Christmas.
I had intended to continue a past November tradition - writing a blessing a day on Facebook. I started writing up a post about my husband Chris (who is such a blessing that he always is on top of my gratitude lists!) and began looking for the "perfect" picture to go with my post. That detour of searching for a picture gave me pause. What was I really doing here? What does this post say to others? Is this how I'm choosing to honor Thanksgiving, and if so, why?

{I am in NO WAY saying that it's not an awesome thing to make gratitude posts on Facebook! I've done it for years and it's blessed my life to count (and share) my blessings. I actually made this printable last year from the things I wrote down that I was grateful for. In fact, studies show that writing down a daily gratitude thought actually creates happiness and health in the writer. And others' posts have also given me cause to reflect on similar blessings in my own life - I'd be sad if some of my friends stopped doing it. I was just doing it for the wrong "why"s and wanted to share what I've been thinking about because of it.}

First of all, I realized that I hadn't even written my first post when I'd turned from feeling gratitude to worrying about what other people would think of my post or picture. After I got over that and just picked a picture at random, I started thinking - was I playing the comparison game with just the picture or with the gratitude posts themselves? Sometimes I see others' posts and feel happy for them or myself. Other times I get a little green jealous bug buzzing around my head when I see friends' blessings extolled, especially ones that I want but may not ever have. (bear with my convoluted train of thought, we'll reach the station soon). Of course, once we are aware of that, we see that the same can be turned in reverse - that someone seeing MY post about having the best husband ever might give them a heart of INgratitude when they consider their own marriage relationship's struggles (or any other blessing/trial). But then, should someone else's reaction keep me from expressing gratitude? No, but still. . .
I started to grapple with a few questions. If someone else isn't blessed to have the same health, abundance, and family that I have been blessed with, are they any less blessed by God? Even if they are blessed in other ways and have other things to be thankful for, what about  those who have nothing? Does "counting our blessings" mean that if I have more physical blessings than you, I should be more or less grateful? Probably not, but then why is it so good to list them? How can I cultivate a heart of gratitude when I feel like, for me, listing them is cultivating a focus on comparing, then envy or pride, and thus ingratitude? With those thoughts in mind, I decided to shelve the tradition for a while (maybe I'll do it on my blog later, rather than on Facebook) and explore a little more about gratitude and blessings.
The first thing that came to mind was a recent talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I highly recommend it: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng
(Seriously. Go read it and then come back. It says more of what I'm trying to say than this entire post does.)
Rereading "Grateful in Any Circumstances" reminded me that we can choose to be grateful, no matter what. It reminded me that we are not asked to be grateful for all things, but rather in all things. That gratitude is an act of faith, that "true gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will."
Even with this amazing talk, I wanted to keep looking, though - what kinds of blessings can we count when we are trying to be thankful "in" all things rather than necessarily "for" all things? Even when we aren't focusing on a list of blessings, our gratitude that stems from God's love and hand in our lives still takes some form or another. So I did a some scriptural digging.
The scriptures use the terms "blessing" and "blessed" to refer to both the tangible and the intangible. People are "blessed" with posterity, deliverance, land, health, cows, the destruction of one's enemies, and miracles. The Lord extends blessings by literally blessing people, hands upon heads, with blessings to receive in the future, and other blessings are not recognized as blessings until after the fact. Jesus Christ gives us a beautiful discourse on blessings through The Sermon on the Mount. We are used to considering the "for they shall" 'column' as the blessings - obtaining mercy, comfort, the kingdom of heaven, the earth for an inheritance, and so on. It is only when searching for God in our trials that we realize that the "blessed are" column are blessings too - that mourning, being poor in spirit, being persecuted, are blessings. They are not only blessings in that they lead to the "for they shall" blessings, but they bless us by changing who we are, bringing us tiny steps closer to the throne of God.
One of the beautiful things about these blessings listed by Jesus is that they are available to all. He doesn't say, "blessed are they who have supportive, loving families, for they will always be happy", or "blessed are they who obtain good jobs, for they will be rich". He says "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." Every blessing in the "blessed are" column is available to any of us as we try to follow the Savior through the experiences of life. Anyone can hunger and thirst after righteousness and be filled. Anyone can strive to be peacemakers, or to learn meekness. Unlike some physical blessings like health or means, these blessing flow freely to all who are willing. Isn't that just like Jesus?
Now, I realize that just because we can all have these blessings freely doesn't mean they come naturally. Lord knows (literally!) that I'm not meek, or the pure in heart. And it certainly doesn't sound like a blessing to be persecuted or to mourn. It's one more example of the paradox of Christian life - of God's Plan of Happiness for His children. "Those who find their life will lose it and those who lose themselves for my sake will find it." Like I talked about in my birth prologue post, those who sacrifice find that in giving all, they receive all. But that doesn't change the reality of the blessing available to us whether in times of joy or trial. "How blessed we are when we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life."

It sounds so trite that I've typed it and deleted it twice, but I'm going say it anyway - our ultimate blessing is not God's presents, or blessings, but His presence - His love, the light of Christ, the Holy Ghost in our hearts. And it is the most freely given, because no height nor depth can separate us from the love of God. My hope for myself this Thanksgiving is to give up comparing or even, to some degree, counting, and instead to focus on feeling God's presence in my life, in the hundredfold variety of ways that it is manifest. Today, that is my Joy. :)

"My soul doth magnify the Lord, 

And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour. 

For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.  

For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name. 

And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation. He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.
He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.
He hath holpen his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;
As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever."

- Luke 1:46-55  (Mary's Song of Praise)

Birth Story Prologue

Before Thomas was born, I gulped down birth stories online. I probably read two or three stories a day during my entire third trimester (that makes, what, around 200 birth stories? That sounds a little low compared to how much reading I logged in!). I’d always hoped to contribute to the pool for other anticipation-filled (or anxiety-filled) pregnant gals to gulp down. But now that it’s “my turn”, I don’t have the same type of story to share. I didn’t keep track of how long I was in labor or what I did when or when I transitioned or what the heck was going on medically-speaking when Thomas went into distress. So how useful is a birth story without all the fun facts? What I can say is this. . .

I believe that giving birth, whether it happens through the peace of natural means, or through the terror of an emergency, or in anticipating exhilaration, or crying in pain and clutching to sanity, or on an operating table through whatever circumstances, is Sacred. Birth is sacred. It is Heavenly Father using one of His children to give the chance of life to another of His children. There is more Love in it all than we can comprehend. There is more Holiness than we know what to do with. There is more of that which seems banal happening alongside that which is Holy than we can sift apart.

I don’t think we are meant to. It’s meant to be that way: the gross and the hard and the ugly and the frightening and the funny all mixed in around the soaring mystery of experiencing God’s love through birth. I wish I could spell out each way that His love was made manifest – his love for my son, his love for my husband, his love for me, our love towards Him, and more. But the whole point I’m trying to make is that I can’t describe it, because I myself don’t fully grasp what I’m describing. It’s just a vague, overflowing feeling – one that stands independent of the circumstances of birth. It’s a feeling born of a surrendering of the reins to that which surrounds us in birth. The need for control unto the peace, the terror, or the waiting. The mother-love unto the need-love of a naked, squalling infant. The desire for things to be easy unto the willingness to sacrifice, only to realize that, as C.S. Lewis says, everything that when we sacrifice our all, in sincerity, it is returned to us hundredfold. And yet knowing that does not diminish the initial sacrifice.

I suppose this element of surrender is what we are learning to do all our lives. What makes birth so powerful is the way we experience the “battles fought out in the silent chambers of the soul” out in the open, in one (relatively) swift wrench.

 So while I can’t accurately record numbers, times, circumstances, or even be able to label my birth experience as natural or not, I can say that as I gave birth to my son, I crossed the bridge to the world of effort, surrender, and divine grace that is motherhood - not just from the fact of giving birth, but from the experience of it.

 What’s really cool is that birth is a microcosm of motherhood itself. Each day since then has held reincarnations of those same lessons, on different scales.  In so many aspects of motherhood, I go through the cycle again, putting forth all my effort in taking care of my baby or dealing with my trials, then surrendering. The “Who” of surrendering is so important: I can surrender to the trials or the emotions, or I can surrender my feelings, my needs, myself into the Lord’s hands. And through it all, I can rely on divine grace.

 And what’s really, really cool? Motherhood itself a microcosm of God’s plan for ALL of His children! He wants us all, mothers or not, women, men, and children alike, to learn to lean on Him, to put forth effort to follow Christ, to sacrifice so that it changes us, to be blessed by Him hundredfold, to have joy. As a new mom, I am blessed to be at the beginning of a road where I have these lessons and experiences in store for me. That is my Joy to share today, that "He advocateth the cause of the children of men" (Moroni 7:28) and gives each of us the circumstances to experience work, growth, sacrifice, and joy. While I sometimes resent the first three of those, without them we would not have true joy. Just as without this experiencing those things through giving birth, I literally would not have THIS joy:

"A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world." - John 16:21

Exposition, Why I’m Writing, and My Disclaimers

Hi. I’m Aubrey. :)

This is my sweet husband Chris.

And this is our sweet baby Thomas Parker, now six months old.

We’ve spent the past several years in Flagstaff while Chris finished his coursework as a Music Education Major.  We have now moved back to our hometown of Mesa, where Chris will be student teaching in junior high and high school choral classrooms and where I will be stay-at-home-raising our little son. So that's a bit about us (hence, "Our Exposition").

You may be wondering why I’m here. I’m wondering that a bit, too. But perhaps walking you through my thoughts will help me answer that for myself.

My husband gave me a blessing a couple months ago. Through it, he provided me with counsel and blessings from the Lord as I sought help to deal with postpartum depression (something I am still struggling through). In it, I was counseled to write. And more specifically, I was counseled to write down my joys. After the blessing, Chris and I talked and we both felt that I should make that writing available to others. I did a little bit of journal writing following that, but overall, I have not followed that counsel. I’ve shied away from it for several reasons (hence, "My Disclaimers").

Number one, I’ve psyched myself out of feeling comfortable as a writer. As a kid, I loved to write stories. In junior high, I wrote overly melodramatic poetry and used it to find myself. In high school, after my junior year in AP English, I considered myself a pretty darn good writer, capable of taking on most subjects in just about any format.

But then I just – fell out of it. I graduated. I spent three years as a Music Education major, one year as a kindergarten DIBELS parapro, and another year working on beginning courses for Elementary Education. You’d be surprised by the lack of writing required of me in my four years of college (which, by the way, has not yet ended with a degree). I also worked as a voice teacher, a children’s music workshop director, and a nanny, none of which required much writing out of me. So, it’s a muscle I haven’t exercised in a long time, and since I’ve generally never been very confident about myself as a person, it’s kind of scary!

Now, as I re-enter a writing zone, another confidence obstacle looms: everyone and their mother (take that almost literally) are mommy bloggers, and that makes me feel quite small. To write about one’s experiences as a wife and mother is about as cliché as it gets these days. Besides, I’m really not a mommy blogger. Look how I’ve neglected this blog, for starters. I don’t write with a particularly witty or cheery tone. I don’t have expertise to share in crafting or beauty or recipes. I don’t take cool pictures to put with my posts so they can be pinned on Pinterest. Heck, I don’t even know how to add a hyperlink into my text!

Perhaps the biggest confidence buster is the worry that no one cares. I’d be just one more mommy blogger spouting opinions, right? Just one more person who thinks that her daily happenings and personal views are newsworthy to someone else, when they probably aren’t. It’s kind of a presumptuous thing, making a blog. Blogging functions on the assumption that there are people out there who want to hear what you have to say. And let’s be real, social media has taught us that we care too much whether other people care, that we don’t always care as much about other people’s cares as they might like us to care, and that not everything we want people to care about is really worth caring about. And nobody, including me, likes to feel unimportant.

And yet, here I am. Throwing one more post into the millions of others already like it, floating around in the online universe. Why? Because even if I’m self-conscious about putting myself out there and writing about my life, my heart feels that my voice has Something to say. Several Somethings to say, in fact. Some of those Somethings include my testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ and His Church on earth; my experiences with my trials and how they’ve changed me and if I’ll end up the better for them; preserving memories of my marriage and my first baby for the sake of my family in the future; using plain-old narrative as a coping mechanism as I try to find myself again after PPD (they say hobbies help, right?); and maybe, just maybe a bit of ego-feeding opinion-spouting on days that my emotions get the better of me. ;)

But I think most of all, as the Lord counseled me through a blessing, this is about writing my joys.

So here is a Joy to share today:

“In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, ‘good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over’.” These words by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, from his recent talk “Grateful in Any Circumstances”, are a joy to me. One of the things I love about this Joy is that it is always available to all of us. Whether I am overflowing with love and happiness as I enjoy my new son, or whether I am just trying to force myself to even get out of bed in the morning to face a new day, the facts of the Atonement and God’s plan of happiness remain the same. That is a Fact of Joy, the truth of which no depression or trial can alter and the truth of which sweetens all other Joys. Knowing of God’s love and his redemptive plan for his children is the foundation for all the other joys I hope to write about from now on, so it seemed a fitting place to begin my journey of seeking joy.