Things As They Really Are (or, A Lesson Learned in Comparing)

Comparing. We all do it. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes to positive ends, sometimes to detrimental ones. And some of us do this more than others, so if this isn't your battle, or if you think that I'm exaggerating in what I'm about to share, be so glad that you have risen above this game to whatever degree, and keep in mind that it is a real issue for a LOT of us ladies.

I'm personally fighting this battle of comparison to the "Superwomen" of our cultural circles. Who knows if these Superwomen are invented from our own conclusions, or whether they really, truly, have it all together. That's a discussion for someone else to manage. Personally, I don't like those conversations because telling ourselves that anyone who looks like they have it together really doesn't - it seems a little low and well, self-satisfied. BUT. My point is that, whether our brains or hearts tell us otherwise, there are large pieces of us who believe in, and are overwhelmed by, the seemingly superhuman abilities of the people around us. We see, and compare ourselves, to this mystical Superwoman. They/We have created an image of who we think She is, based on a composite of carefully constructed windows into people's lives, often as portrayed online: She is the skinny, toned, weight-lifting woman with a "fitspiration" quote plastered over her picture. She is the blogger who posts everything from a years' worth of recipes to intricate crafts that she creates for and with her children daily. She is the friend on Facebook who posts a steady stream of pictures of her amazing trips, fabulous purchases, and interesting social life. She is the high school buddy who has managed to graduate before or, even more amazingly, during her juggling act of work, marriage, and motherhood. She is the sister at church with a seemingly perfect after-baby body. She is all of this and more, and we seem to see her everywhere.

And I am guilty of the sin of covetousness of all these Superwomen. I repeat my mantra from Elder Holland: "We are not diminished when someone else is added upon." I print off little quotables like "Don't let comparison steal your joy". And yet I find myself being pulled into responding to these things with overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness. I just get sad when I compare to all these amazing, amazing ladies! I look at the skinny/toned women who eat healthily and exercise daily, and I lament the fact that I can barely manage my school load, much less make time for exercise. I look at the trip takers and social butterflies, aware that I don't have the resources for their travels, or the personality/social skills to have nearly as many friends and social opportunities as them. I look at all the mommies and mommies-to-be and wish that I were already there in the ranks with them, full well knowing that even when I am a mom I will NOT be able to handle cloth diapers, yearly Disneyland trips and darling little-one hair/clothes/photos. Then I look at all the school and career girls and realize that somehow, my graduating class is graduating again and I am, well, not. And won't be able to for a long time.

I'm not the only one making myself feel guilty. There's quite a cultural aspect to it too. Growing up in the gospel, we were (rightly) told not to let cultural pressure keep us from starting our family when it feels right. We are also (rightly) told to make education a first priority in our lives. Well, it doesn't always play out as we or other people think it should. I tell my fellow church sisters that I'm hoping to start a family, and they tell me "for shame [yes, that phrase], you should finish your degree first"; and then when I reaffirm that I feel right about starting a family now, they tell me stories of half a dozen women they know who managed to graduate with newborns in tow (sorry, but Elementary Ed student teaching doesn't work that way, sisters. Nor do I). I KNOW that these ladies are not intentionally trying to make me feel guilty (I mean. . . right???). It's part of the culture of "We can do it all" that stems out of being exposed to "it all". And I despair because I can't do it all. Or even half, or a quarter of all of the many ways that women find success and improve their lives and the lives of those around them.

The thing is, I don't resent these people. I may be envious, but not mean-spirited. I am truly happy for the amazing successes I see in the lives of my friends and associates. I just wish I could see my own life on the same standing. And I know I'm not alone in feeling that way.

So, what do you do when you're feeling blue? I went poking around on lds.org for rays of enlightenment on the subject. There I found this old gem.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/these-things-are-manifested-unto-us-plainly?lang=eng

This talk was given over twenty years ago (which means there's something inherent in us comparing ourselves to each other, that preceded our digital age, but that's another matter). And yet it is completely relevant to our day, and I recommend that you read it if you too are having trouble with the sin/weakness of comparing/covetousness/self-hate.

After talking about "seeing things as they really are", she shares that the truth of how things really are lies not in whether you give fantastic Relief Society lessons or bake the world's best bread. She says:

No greater heroine lives in today’s world than the woman who is quietly doing her part."
"If I could have the desire of my heart for you, it would be that you feel valued for your own goodness."
"To rejoice in being a daughter of God, to know God’s plan, and to follow the Savior’s example of service—these things are real."

The overall message I got from this talk is that, when we look at others and ourselves, we are only seeing the manifestation of the ways that they "do their part", live in their "own goodness", and "follow the Savior's example of service". And we can rejoice in the fact that these manifestations of these underlying principles that the Lord wants us to live by DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE SAME! If the woman who is raising three children, the dental hygienist student, the blogger, the retiree, and the [insert your own role here] are doing their part, then they are all in the same standing before God. And it might not be the part of the student to fill the part of the mother, or the mother of the writer. It is my own belief that someday, all the paths will converge, and we will be expected (and able and happy) to all meet all of the same high standards of perfection the Lord eventually wants us to reach. But for now, this (and other talks/scriptures) are clear that we can serve in our own capacity, not in every capacity.

How comforting and empowering! I can look at my own life, and instead of seeing that I have nothing concrete to "show" the world that I am on track with my life, I can know that I am on track because I am doing what I can where I stand in following the Savior, living His gospel, and improving my own life and the lives of those around me. As Gandalf would say, "and that is an encouraging thought."

I hope this thought is encouraging to you too! I hope it can help you feel kinder and less judgemental toward not only yourself, but to your sisters (and brothers) around you. :)

"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing." - 1 Peter 3:8-9