Things As They Really Are (or, A Lesson Learned in Comparing)

Comparing. We all do it. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes to positive ends, sometimes to detrimental ones. And some of us do this more than others, so if this isn't your battle, or if you think that I'm exaggerating in what I'm about to share, be so glad that you have risen above this game to whatever degree, and keep in mind that it is a real issue for a LOT of us ladies.

I'm personally fighting this battle of comparison to the "Superwomen" of our cultural circles. Who knows if these Superwomen are invented from our own conclusions, or whether they really, truly, have it all together. That's a discussion for someone else to manage. Personally, I don't like those conversations because telling ourselves that anyone who looks like they have it together really doesn't - it seems a little low and well, self-satisfied. BUT. My point is that, whether our brains or hearts tell us otherwise, there are large pieces of us who believe in, and are overwhelmed by, the seemingly superhuman abilities of the people around us. We see, and compare ourselves, to this mystical Superwoman. They/We have created an image of who we think She is, based on a composite of carefully constructed windows into people's lives, often as portrayed online: She is the skinny, toned, weight-lifting woman with a "fitspiration" quote plastered over her picture. She is the blogger who posts everything from a years' worth of recipes to intricate crafts that she creates for and with her children daily. She is the friend on Facebook who posts a steady stream of pictures of her amazing trips, fabulous purchases, and interesting social life. She is the high school buddy who has managed to graduate before or, even more amazingly, during her juggling act of work, marriage, and motherhood. She is the sister at church with a seemingly perfect after-baby body. She is all of this and more, and we seem to see her everywhere.

And I am guilty of the sin of covetousness of all these Superwomen. I repeat my mantra from Elder Holland: "We are not diminished when someone else is added upon." I print off little quotables like "Don't let comparison steal your joy". And yet I find myself being pulled into responding to these things with overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness. I just get sad when I compare to all these amazing, amazing ladies! I look at the skinny/toned women who eat healthily and exercise daily, and I lament the fact that I can barely manage my school load, much less make time for exercise. I look at the trip takers and social butterflies, aware that I don't have the resources for their travels, or the personality/social skills to have nearly as many friends and social opportunities as them. I look at all the mommies and mommies-to-be and wish that I were already there in the ranks with them, full well knowing that even when I am a mom I will NOT be able to handle cloth diapers, yearly Disneyland trips and darling little-one hair/clothes/photos. Then I look at all the school and career girls and realize that somehow, my graduating class is graduating again and I am, well, not. And won't be able to for a long time.

I'm not the only one making myself feel guilty. There's quite a cultural aspect to it too. Growing up in the gospel, we were (rightly) told not to let cultural pressure keep us from starting our family when it feels right. We are also (rightly) told to make education a first priority in our lives. Well, it doesn't always play out as we or other people think it should. I tell my fellow church sisters that I'm hoping to start a family, and they tell me "for shame [yes, that phrase], you should finish your degree first"; and then when I reaffirm that I feel right about starting a family now, they tell me stories of half a dozen women they know who managed to graduate with newborns in tow (sorry, but Elementary Ed student teaching doesn't work that way, sisters. Nor do I). I KNOW that these ladies are not intentionally trying to make me feel guilty (I mean. . . right???). It's part of the culture of "We can do it all" that stems out of being exposed to "it all". And I despair because I can't do it all. Or even half, or a quarter of all of the many ways that women find success and improve their lives and the lives of those around them.

The thing is, I don't resent these people. I may be envious, but not mean-spirited. I am truly happy for the amazing successes I see in the lives of my friends and associates. I just wish I could see my own life on the same standing. And I know I'm not alone in feeling that way.

So, what do you do when you're feeling blue? I went poking around on lds.org for rays of enlightenment on the subject. There I found this old gem.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/these-things-are-manifested-unto-us-plainly?lang=eng

This talk was given over twenty years ago (which means there's something inherent in us comparing ourselves to each other, that preceded our digital age, but that's another matter). And yet it is completely relevant to our day, and I recommend that you read it if you too are having trouble with the sin/weakness of comparing/covetousness/self-hate.

After talking about "seeing things as they really are", she shares that the truth of how things really are lies not in whether you give fantastic Relief Society lessons or bake the world's best bread. She says:

No greater heroine lives in today’s world than the woman who is quietly doing her part."
"If I could have the desire of my heart for you, it would be that you feel valued for your own goodness."
"To rejoice in being a daughter of God, to know God’s plan, and to follow the Savior’s example of service—these things are real."

The overall message I got from this talk is that, when we look at others and ourselves, we are only seeing the manifestation of the ways that they "do their part", live in their "own goodness", and "follow the Savior's example of service". And we can rejoice in the fact that these manifestations of these underlying principles that the Lord wants us to live by DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE SAME! If the woman who is raising three children, the dental hygienist student, the blogger, the retiree, and the [insert your own role here] are doing their part, then they are all in the same standing before God. And it might not be the part of the student to fill the part of the mother, or the mother of the writer. It is my own belief that someday, all the paths will converge, and we will be expected (and able and happy) to all meet all of the same high standards of perfection the Lord eventually wants us to reach. But for now, this (and other talks/scriptures) are clear that we can serve in our own capacity, not in every capacity.

How comforting and empowering! I can look at my own life, and instead of seeing that I have nothing concrete to "show" the world that I am on track with my life, I can know that I am on track because I am doing what I can where I stand in following the Savior, living His gospel, and improving my own life and the lives of those around me. As Gandalf would say, "and that is an encouraging thought."

I hope this thought is encouraging to you too! I hope it can help you feel kinder and less judgemental toward not only yourself, but to your sisters (and brothers) around you. :)

"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing." - 1 Peter 3:8-9

Faith and Not Fear Adventures: Faith in God's Grace and Love - Faith to Press Forward

Thanks for all the good wishes and helpful advice in relation to my last post! I've been making some good progress in financial stewardship, in large part thanks to your suggestions. Now that I've had some time to focus on that particular area, I felt like I was ready to tackle a new Faith and Not Fear Adventure, and began to brainstorm about what was most needed in my life, which project to tackle next.

But then some private, difficult events fell on me like a bomb these past two months. Suddenly, looking at a neat little on-a-page project is not the way I've needed to exercise faith over fear. It's been in the real-life, looming-in-your-face crap. It's been in the crises of faith and family and marriage, in the daily slog of pulling your day together when you feel like you're falling to pieces, and in the temptation to curl up under a blanket for the rest of the winter and wait all the problems out. So for February and March, instead of sharing a specific faith and not fear adventure, I'd like to share what I'm learning from the private faith battles I've had.

I have learned that I can't hold Christ at arm's distance, asking him to come in when I want help and then to step back when I'm not feeling up to trying any more. It's all or nothing - that is, it must all be done in His way, or it's all for naught. I have discovered (and I don't know how I didn't know this about myself) that I actually have fear and anxiety over the fact that God is immanent in my life. I am scared of the trials He's trusting me with, and I'm having trouble trusting Him - not that I don't believe He loves me or that He wants what's good for me, but trusting that He will let me reach a place of peace and happiness overall in this life. I KNOW my trials are good for me - but is there ever a chance to just be happy without having to grow so painfully all the time? I often don't feel too sure, and exercising faith in lasting earthly happiness takes some work sometimes. 

And although that knowledge of God's immanence has scared me, I'm learning that it doesn't have to. What I DO know is that Heavenly Father and Christ know me. They love me. Heavenly Father knows EACH one of us, and Christ is there to help EACH one of us. And God is not judging us the way I so often think He is. I pull away because it's too hard, or it's too much, or I'm not up to the challenge (or I don't want a challenge at all, thank you very much!), or I'm scared of failure; but Heavenly Father doesn't want us to feel like failures. He loves us. He wants the best for us. That's why He sent His Son. I am learning that He looks at us not as rebellious teenagers who need to be pulled back in line, but as babies learning to walk and falling over and toddling and falling again.

A good friend sent me one of the most inspiring LDS talks on grace I've heard. It has changed the way I think about God's grace, and has truly helped me rethink how I think about God's love and acceptance, and about the motivations behind the ways I try to live God's law in my life. Please, if you are going through a hard time, watch it. If you aren't, watch it anyway. Please watch it! Brad Wilcox's "His Grace Is Sufficient"

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966&view=2#.USwimidOtcM.facebook

I have been that girl he talks about, who views the Atonement in a linear way -- a certain distance of the line belonging to me, and Christ making up the rest. I don't know if I've ever realized THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. It's true that by grace we are saved after all we can do, but that does not mean "all we can do" fills some kind of gap that Christ cannot or does not.  Listen to the part about the piano lesson analogy to see what I mean. 

I have learned that I need a new kind of faith in God, to not just love Him but to overcome my fear of Him in order to really love Him. I am building faith that His ways are higher than mine. I am learning that the Atonement is not as sin-based as I tend to view it; but that it is change-based. I always knew that, but now I am experiencing it through a new lens that reaffirms the truth of that to me.

I'm learning the truth of this analogy by C.S. Lewis:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

How glorious! And maybe terrifying. And that's where faith and not fear comes into play.

"And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. And now, behold, my beloved brethren, this is the way; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end. Amen." - 2 Nephi 31:19-21