That's the mentality I've been overly mired in lately when it comes to God. I genuinely want to do what God wants me to do, I want our family to be doing what He wants us to be doing, and I want to be planted where He wants us to be planted. But my problem was (ha, who am I kidding, still is!) that I want it to be straightforward and pre-decided - that straightforwardness is the reason I want someone to tell me what to do in the first place! But very few things in life are straightforward. Maybe you too have been in that place where you truly want to do what God wants you to do - but you want Him to tell you exactly what that is, or to pave the path for you, and He doesn't. Because that's not usually how it works, and because what He really wants you to do is start walking down the tiny piece of path He's already shown you, and take your own action from there. Well, that's happening in about four major areas of my life right now.
Anyway, all of this is just to say -
We are moving! . . . and within the next week if at all possible.
I have mixed feelings. As in, take all the feelings and mix them together, and that's me right now! Fear is probably the big one, and the one that I know doesn't belong so I'm trying to squelch it. Fear of the unknown. Fear that we are moving out without a fully-realized plan other than taking refuge with the in-laws once again as we figure out where we are supposed to go from here. Fear of being insecure in finances and living situations. Fear of being poor and broke and stuck.
Aside from the fear? Sadness to be leaving this little house we have loved. Sadness at pulling up our roots from a place we thought we could stay planted a bit longer (turns out that it's not the place we are going to grow the most.) Sadness to be moving a bit farther away from friends we have made here. Also - Joy! Excitement at the prospect of a new house, perhaps even one that we could own rather than rent. Hope, as we hack through the jungle of finances and home-hunting, that we will be in a good place - a place, physically and metaphorically, where God wants us to be. Motivation to get 'er done, because the sooner we move the sooner we will find out if our hopes will be realized in the particular house we are visualizing. Anger and Disgust (can't leave them out now, can we!) at myself for poor home and life management skills, aka the amount of work that needs to be done to get us out the door. And Gratitude! Gratitude for the time we've spent here, the friends we've made here, the good memories with Tommy here, for the options ahead of us, for the possibilities of moving on to things and places that will fit this stage of life for us; and Gratitude for our families, especially our parents, who have been doing all they can to help us out in this time of transition and uncertainty.
And these are just the feelings about moving, much less the rest of life's "stuff"! To quote Ron Weasley, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." Well, I'm pretty close, but too tired and busy to actually get down to the business of exploding. ;)
We're gonna be okay. I have to tell myself that every day, but it's true. We have never been abandoned by the Lord in any previous circumstances; we have "made it through 100% of our bad days", as the saying goes; and we always are blessed with what we need. And wherever we are, family is what we are, and what we need the most. And though fear may tell me otherwise, it's not wrong to be happy and excited and put hope in the idea that what's ahead is going to be even better than what's behind! So here's to better things ahead!
"God is in your corner. Everything will work out for our good." -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
