My final "hope for 2016" in my
last post was "Come to know God more". A scary thing to say,
since coming to know God often involves fiery furnaces and lion's dens.
The unfortunate truth is that that's not what I want! But I do want to
grow in my understanding and relationship with every member of the
Godhead.
I want to come to trust Heavenly Father in all
His complexity more. In some ways, I feel like I have turned him into a
magician who flips switches, a powerful someone who sits in heaven and opens
and closes doors and windows based on prayers, behaviors, and tides of fate. It
sounds foolish when written out like that, because I know that is not really
who or what He is - even when that's sometimes what He does! And yet so much of
my daily interaction with Him is only that, somehow. I want to move beyond this
perception of a loving wish granter or denier, turning traffic lights red or
green. I want to really understand God as a little more of who He
is.
I want to come to love and connect with Jesus
Christ more. Since we pray only to the Father and "give the glory"
to Him, and yet we worship Jesus Christ too, I sometimes have trouble
reconciling that into a real, emotional relationship with Him. It's not that I
don't love Jesus Christ, or feel the utmost gratitude for his Atonement, or
feel Him in my life, because I absolutely do. I just feel like prayer has been
one of my main ways of connecting to Heavenly Father, and without praying TO
Christ, I need to be sure that I am finding other ways to nurture that
connection with my Savior. On a similar note . . .
I want to come to know Heavenly Mother. For
anyone reading this who is not LDS, I invite to you to explore our belief in
the idea that we have not only a Heavenly Father but a Heavenly Mother. For any
of you who are LDS, I invite YOU to explore our belief that we have not only a
Heavenly Father but also a Heavenly Mother! I know Heavenly Mother is a
reality. I have felt Her - a distinct, divine feminine presence in my
spiritual life. Lately I have felt deeply drawn to build a connection with Her.
Which is a challenge, as there is hardly anything to go on: no direct
scripture, only vague allusions, reasonable conclusions leading to the bare
facts of Her existence and Her nature, and the reminder that we are not to pray
to Her. I can only speculate as to why She is veiled from us (I think there are
lots of reasons, but all of them are "made up" on logical guesses
that may not even be that logical). And yet, I believe that the draw
I feel to see God as Father and Mother is right. For is that not our ultimate
goal, as individuals, couples, and families - to become like Them? As I mother my son, and as I weigh the wonderful and
terrifying possibility of someday having another child, I want to get advice
and support from God. Of course I pray to Heavenly Father, asking for guidance
and blessings. Nor do I feel like I necessarily need to direct these
prayers to Heavenly Mother instead, as I trust in His provided pattern and
their oneness of purpose. But I feel like there is something especially
bolstering in knowing that there is a Mother - a Woman who has walked where you
are now walking - who is reaching out to you in your need with Love, guidance,
and wisdom. I sure need that bolstering. I look forward to where this journey
of seeking for Her will lead me. Which leads me to my final hope . . .
I want to keep the Spirit more regularly in my
life. All of these journeys of seeking God are really one journey, and it
is one that can only be facilitated by the Holy Spirit. So I want to have the
Spirit as my constant companion. I want to really live in such a way that the
Holy Ghost can be present in my every day life. We are given that amazing gift,
but it's HARD to live! I want to feel that Spirit and the feelings it
gives as the consistent undercurrent of my life, not the waves that come and go
and come again. It's going to take WORK. Choosing to rein in anger and pour out
kindness; to seek after that which is virtuous, lovely, or of good report; and
to create order out of the chaos of our environments, creations, jobs or emotions,
can be SO incredibly DIFFICULT. I struggle with these things. They're all the
reasons life as flawed mortals is hard! Yet as we do these things we are
promised the Spirit can be with us, and the presence of the Spirit is not only
a blessing unto itself but a precursor of other goodness - it is the tide that
carries us toward greater light.
I hope in expressing these things I haven't
jinxed myself, as Elder Eyering did in asking for "mountains to
climb". (See what I'm doing here, acting like I'm being divinely jinxed?
Back to square one, coming to know the Father!). But I feel these things
earnestly, and in sharing them I hope to be able to come back at a later time
with new posts sharing what I've learned. I hope to report what has or hasn't
been working for me as I try to keep the Spirit in my life. I hope to
start meaningful conversations about Heavenly Mother with others who may be
seeking Her - who knows but that I might have "kindred spirits"
amongst my own friends, and not have known it! I hope to use the very act
of writing these and other such things out, as one of the steps to constantly
renew my love, gratitude, and connection to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.
And I hope to have not only opinions to say but testimony and experiences to share
so that anyone reading this may too, "Come to know God" more.
"I love them that love me; and
those that seek me early shall find me. My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my
revenue than choice silver. I lead in the way of righteousness, in the
midst of the paths of judgment. The Lord possessed
me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old. I was
set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth
was. When there were no depths, I was
brought forth; when there were no
fountains abounding with water. Before the mountains were settled, before
the hills was I brought forth: While as yet he had not made the earth, nor
the fields, nor the highest part of the dust of the world. When
he prepared the heavens, I was there: when
he set a compass upon the face of the depth: When he established
the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:
When he gave to the sea his decree, that the
waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of
the earth:
Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and
I was daily his delight, rejoicing always
before him; Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my
delights were with the sons of men. Now therefore
hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep
my ways. Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not. Blessed is the man that
heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my
doors. For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the Lord." - Proverbs 8:17,19-20,22-35
