My Children!

(*An essay written by my mother, Maren Noble, for one of her Pathway program classes. I'm sharing this in honor of her birthday today. Love you, Mom!)

My Children!

“My Children!” Eleni shouts bravely to the heavens, eyes blindfolded, fists clenched, arms raised high in defiance. Boom! A single shot is fired and she falls to the ground. She has betrayed the Communist insurgents, who overtook her tiny mountainous village, by helping her children escape to America. My own six children all know that “Eleni,” by Nicholas Gage, is my favorite book. I love a true story, especially when it includes a strong but loving woman who is willing to risk it all. If my “mama bear” shows up, I jokingly exclaim, “My Children!”  

I like to think that I would do anything for my children, but most of a mother’s work is not so dramatic. That a mom makes sure homework is done, piano is practiced, and Christmas happens is not the stuff of legend. Yet, because of Mom, Sunday evenings smell like roast, first days of school have pictures, and first dates have a listening ear. Everyone depends on mom to take care of the details. But sometimes a mom longs to be a real hero. Last October I came close. 

Our family decided to experience the city of Chicago that my son Dane served in for two years. I had planned this trip carefully, budgeting our meager allotments of time, money, and energy. On day one, our first stop was Millennial Park, to see “The Bean,” an architectural oddity made of stainless steel and shaped like a bean. We rushed onto the platform leading to the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) to get there. Swarms of people came out of nowhere. All I could see was the backs of heads, each looking like a different colored scale on what felt like a giant serpent moving singularly up the metal mesh staircase. Fear seized me. Where were my children’s heads?  So close was my nose to the person in front of me, I had to turn my face to avoid strands of unruly hair tickling my nostrils. As bodies emptied onto another platform, familiar blonde and light brown heads caught my view. “Over here!” Dane yelled. 

“Doors Opening.” a monotone computerized voice announced over a speaker.  One by one, our family members led by Dad, gathered at the doors of the CTA Blue Line. I purposely trailed behind, counting my boarding children to the sound of air pumping pistons and squealing brakes. Dane, Whitney, Joy, Will, and finally, Aurelia. Behind Aurelia was a man I had noticed earlier. He looked eclectically normal for a Chicagoan. He was middle-aged, tall, black, lean and wore a light tan jacket, new fluorescent Nikes and carried a large Garrett gourmet popcorn shopping bag. Why did he seem oddly out of place? I hurried toward the train, keeping my eye on him. Aurelia and the man simultaneously stepped onto the transit. Using that motion as a distraction, the man reached surreptitiously into her purse easily shifting her rose metallic wallet into the chest of his tan jacket. She didn’t budge, didn’t feel a thing. He then slinked nonchalantly off the step and turned the opposite direction, slipping away. He had no idea I saw it. I ran, charging at him. “OH No!”  “OOOH NO!” Grabbing his left arm firmly to turn him around and staring him sternly in the eye, I wagged my finger and held it eye level in motherly authority. “YOU GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, PLEASE!”  (I don’t’ remember saying please, but the audience that gathered at the doors of the train vouch that I did.) He threw up his arms, cursing me, denying having taken anything. I was still only inches from him, so before the moment could pass, I reached into his light tan jacket and retrieved the priceless cache holding Aurelia’s money and identity, then walked just as smoothly back toward the transit as the thief had slipped away from it. My family stood frozen inside the frame of the CTA doors, speechless and bewildered like an awkward family photo. By now, my husband Paul had made his 330 pound presence known to the man. I thought selfishly, “Don’t EVEN take my glory! I got this wallet back ALL by myself!” Between Paul’s size and the crowd’s stares, the thief knew it was in his best interest to get out of there unobtrusively, and hearing the computerized voice announce, “Doors closing,” we let him. I rushed inside the Blue Line and plopped in a stupor onto the vibrating seat. “I can’t believe what I just saw! That was incredible!” said a young and strong-looking black man wearing a business suit. A pretty Hispanic woman recognizing we were tourists, chimed in, “Oh my gosh! I am so sorry that happened to you in our city! I can’t believe it! That doesn’t normally happen here!” Someone else said we should call the police. “Are you kidding?” I thought, “We got stuff to do and see, and a police station isn’t one of them!”  “Mom, you’re a Super-hero!”  Joy said.  “Mom, thank you SOOO much for saving my wallet!” gushed Aurelia. “What would I have done without my money and ID?” 

Ten minutes later we were back on the city sidewalk, exposed again to the biting wind, on our way to the Bean. Paul messed with my phone map app as my children trotted in front: Dane and Whitney arm in arm, Joy and Will laughing and quoting memes, and Aurelia preparing her camera for photo-ops. Why were they not still bustling about my act of courage? It occurred to me that maybe it’s just not that unusual for them to see me wag my finger, hear me command, “OOH NO,” right the current wrong, and move on.

Later that night, the real hero in me kicked in. No one saw or heard. Kneeling down to pray, I reflected on the day’s events – grateful for our safety, grateful we had fun, grateful to be on this amazing family vacation. With a bit of guilt, I thought of the man who tried to steal Aurelia’s wallet. What was his story? My heart swelled with surprised compassion. I prayed he would be safe and would get the help he needed. He wasn’t my child, but he was someone’s child, and he was God’s child. That felt important to consider. 

These days, my children have all but forgotten my gutsy, heroic stunt, no matter how much I remind them. Oh well. A super-hero doesn’t brag, “Did you see what I did?” and neither should a mother. Besides, tributes of gratitude are more often expressed for simpler things, like a savory Sunday roast, help with homework, and a late-night listening ear. Daily hugs and words of encouragement are gestures that live on. And with all that, I’m still no hero. I need help. If there is something I want my family to remember, it’s that I know how to kneel. “My children” I whisper, pleading to the heavens, eyes closed, fists clasped in petition, arms low in submission.  My children.  

Feminism, The Lord of the Rings, and Religion: Some Election Thoughts

Anyone reading this (which, let's face it, is about six family members and friends), knows that I care very deeply about the future of our country. While I am not the most politically educated, I do my best to combine current events, logic and my moral compass when it comes to politics.
Well, without telling you who to vote for, I've got some somewhat-politically-related thoughts to get off my chest. Here are three topics I feel compelled to share about.

1. RAPE CULTURE IS A THING.

This has been on my mind as the latest Trump scandal has brought it to the forefront. In the past, I have had multiple family members - male and female, and truthfully people I consider to be more intelligent than myself - tell me that rape culture is a myth. Their logic is that, while rape/sexual assault/etc. may be pervasive, it isn't normalized, and you need it to be both pervasive and normalized in order to call it a rape "culture" rather than a rape "problem". Like, our culture doesn't brush aside rape (when we believe it's rape, that's the kicker), and no one WE know thinks it's a good thing, right? And when talking with them, I understand where they're coming from, since it really is true of the majority of people we know, and because they are frustrated with the ways rape culture is being used as a buzzword for other policies or mental policing that they might be opposed to. I get it, even if I don't stand by it. But this past week has shown me that I don't have to back down on my position that rape culture is real, and has reared its ugly head in a nasty way this election.
Is what Donald Trump has said or done the reason I've been convinced? No. People in power have the power to do terrible things. They always have. (See the next section) No, I have been convinced not by Trump, who has shown himself to be a scumbucket again and again; but by the ways we have responded to it. We, US. My neighbors, my relations, my friends and my friends' Facebook friends. The internet commentators. The justifications, the straw-mans, the everyone's-done-its, the but-they-are-worsers. The fact that the term "locker room" is used to explain a certain way of thinking and talking as acceptable, when were no vestiges of such a setting, and yet superimposing that setting on top makes it seem more innocent? The thousands of likes on a comment that, using derogatory language, says about Trump's sexual assault comments, "we've all done/said/thought this sort of thing". Well, hate to tell ya folks, but there it is - the normalized part of the rape culture equation. It's there. It's been there all along, but perhaps in murkier waters. Now it's glistening and oozing in the sunlight, the brush-off of sexual assault from people I know, and consider to have good hearts. That's prevalence and normalization.
The worst -and yet maybe the hopeful part? - is that there's no imaginary enemy "They" perpetuating rape culture - in the same way I don't believe there's a separate Patriarchy living underground somewhere building iron bars. WE ARE THEY, THEY ARE WE. We are among them and they are among us. While we can legislate consequences, we can't legislate morality. We can only teach it, develop it in ourselves, catch ourselves when we fall short, and pass it along to our children.

2. POWER AND CORRUPTION

Let's talk about power. Among my favorite books of all time is the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If there is ANY overpowering message from that story, it is this: power corrupts. In the trilogy we see a wide variety of characters play out this theme - from Gollum to Denethor to Saruman to Sauron to Frodo. The Ring is a symbol for power, and does anyone achieve any good by it's power? No! Because the pursuit of power as an end unto itself, CORRUPTS. With that corruption and power combined, destruction, death, deception, and decay ensue.

So, if you know me, you can guess where I'm going with this. . . I'm not going to vote for Hillary Clinton just because I hate Trump. Trump is corrupted by power in one way, and Hillary in another - and one that I personally find far more difficult to fight against.

Hillary Clinton is the Saruman of this analogy. She's someone whom I really believe started out with high ideals, and perhaps is delusional enough to think she still is on track with those high ideals. But in her pursuit of power she has sold out on her honesty, her moral compass, and chillingly treats as collateral damage anyone and anything that stands between her and power. Now, for all those who may scoff at my concerns as being tin-foil hat conspiracies. A number of the things I believe about her may well turn out to be just that - empty theories. I'm prepared for that and would welcome it. But 1) The things I DO know about her are enough to let me see the moral decay I cannot vote for, and 2) Never in history do we see ALL of the evils of a evil leader brought to light right away. Such things are often discovered in trickles, or years after the fact. So we can't be so quick to discount something because it hasn't fully been brought to light. All there is to do is hold it up against the knowledge that we already have, and keep it around without necessarily sewing it into the fabric of your banner.

(As I was typing this, my husband asks, "So what does that make Trump? A stupid orc with high hopes?" Bahaha!)
(On second thought, yes. He's all the Uruk-Hai combined! Which is why this race is so mind-boggling . . . like, I see people getting tricked into voting for Saruman, even as a more terrible evil, but WHO VOTES FOR THE URUK-HAI??)
Anyway, I'm pretty sure an Aragorn or a Samwise wouldn't vote for either of them. So I won't either. It's too bad all the corruption can't be personified. Like the Mouth of Sauron! And how Aragorn doesn't even give it the time of day, he just cuts it off - literally. Okay, I'm getting carried away. The point is. Power corrupts. I believe power has corrupted Hillary Clinton (And Trump) in extremely dangerous ways. I cannot vote for it.

3. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT GOD IS POLITICAL - AT LEAST NOT IN THE WAYS THAT WE THINK

You might read the two posts above and feel very affronted right now. You might have a dozen things to tell me about why I should vote for Trump or why I should vote for Hillary or why you're making the right choice. And I'm willing to bet you ARE, be you on the Trump Train or With Her! No, really. All LotR joking aside, I feel like I can't call anyone I know "good" or "bad" for voting for Clinton or Trump - EXCEPT MYSELF, because I know my heart. I don't know the heart of anyone else, except what they choose to show. When there's no clear answer from the skies, or when there's ambiguity, the only ones who really know if you are making the right or wrong choice are you and God.

I know that God cares about who leads our country - but I also know that at the end of the day, He cares about YOU, bringing your heart to Him, coming home to Him. That stands independent of who leads our country. The only place that those things two converge is in your own heart and decisions. So yeah, you should care about who to vote for. Your reasons for voting should bring out your best impulses, enlarge your best God-driven qualities, or perhaps develop new ones. But you might be surprised to realize that, when give two such terrible choices, you may find that these best impulses are brought out with EITHER terrible choice, or even other options, as you seek to fight evil in the ways that you see fit. Thank goodness God looks upon the desires of our hearts.

You pray it out. You will be guided into doing what is best for your personal journey toward God. And if enough of us are doing that, we may find that it turns out to be what is best for our country's journey, too.

Coming To Know God Part II - Giver of Good Things, and What Depression Can Do

Remember how I wrote a post at the beginning of the year, about how I am seeking to know God better? This is one of several-to-come update posts relating to that.  It's not that I'm on some new level. But I've been feeling some small changes, and making some conscious efforts. I think they're worth sharing, or even just recording for myself as a check-up from the time I initially felt that I needed to work on my relationship with God.

First, lately I have felt more deeply in my soul this fact about God: God is The Giver. "Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the ultimate Givers", and I would include Mother in that, too. The scriptures tell us, "If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone?" However, sometimes it goes a step further. Recently, I have been astonished that when I ask for bread, I instead receive cake.

[Not always, of course. As Elder Renlund warned us in his last Conference address, it's important to not come to God with a sense of entitlement. That's something I fight off, a lot, unfortunately. It becomes a cycle of: expecting everything, not receiving everything, falling down and expecting nothing, and then being surprised when I receive everything. . . then all too often, going back to expecting everything. I suppose it's just my own new labels slapped on the Pride Cycle, right?]

It's terrible-but-my-own-fault, that it takes moments of fearful uncertainty or trial to bring me to the kind of desperation that makes me rely on God again. Recently, I have actually experienced it in reverse - where I at FIRST felt confident as I pressed forward, sure that God would take care of me. Then every few steps, I would discover the terror of empty air beneath my feet. AND YET. Each time I hit a firm foothold after falling but a few feet. So was I ever left to the empty air at all? No, just enough to get freaked out! and call out for rescue. Which I thought I was dodging, by trying to forge my way forward in action as best as I could in the first place! I guess I have a long way to go on that concept.

Anyway . . . I have asked the Lord for some certain things in my life, and he has given me and my family good gifts such as we had not expected. I look at where I was even two months ago and am shocked at where we are now. From totally broke to buying our first house, for one. Other ones too private to share. Nothing has been perfectly easy, but everything has come to us tenfold for our prayers and efforts.

Second. I have also come to a realization - one that is now so obvious to me that I feel stupid that it wasn't clear to me before. I have realized that my depression is warping my view of EVERYTHING in my life, including (this is the part I really hadn't accepted yet) my sense of God and my own spirituality. And it's like, well DUH! But I think it snuck in on the edges so gradually that I didn't notice it. It is to the point that I have proclaimed that God doesn't care about me while literally simultaneously experiencing the physical blessings of promptings I'd been given and responded to. Psycho, but real. Because my body's chemicals tell me that I'm sitting in the dark even as I sit in the light. I think I pretended there was a neat line dividing the emotional and the spiritual, and there's not. In fact, even as I write this, I don't yet believe my own self yet. It takes only a bad nights' sleep and a lack of recharge time to throw me RIGHT back into my dark views on self, God, church, marriage, world, you name it. It's still a struggle. But at least now I can name and see the beast I'm fighting.

 Depression is blocking me from feeling like I'm on track with the Lord. I feel like there's an emptiness, a lack of connection. I feel that my relationship with God holds no joy and therefore how can it hold worth and meaning? I tell myself that it's my conscience or the Holy Ghost chastening me to do better, be better. I go through ridiculous amounts of guilt. All the prayer, scriptures, counseling, etc., still leaves me feeling dead spiritually. But in the end there is nothing spiritually happening to make me feel this empty. However, there is stuff chemically happening to make me feel empty.

Anyway, dumb that it's only in the past several months that I've really realized all of this. And so now I have to tell myself the things I feel are just not true. It's one thing that I've let my anxiety and depression be part of hating on myself . It's another dangerous level that I let my anxiety and depression convince me to do the same thing with God, and my family.

I'm not exactly sure what the solution is, both with regard to rebuilding my connections to God and other people, and with regard to getting a better grip on my depression and anxiety. But like I said before, at least now I can recognize what I'm dealing with. It's a place to start. And I think coming to that realization was another gift from The Giver, too. :)

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."

My Own Written Therapy Session To Sort Out How I Feel About Moving

Have you ever wanted someone to make your decisions for you? In a world and existence where free will and freedom is so deeply valuable, this sounds stupid. And usually it is, let's be honest. But even so, sometimes you just want to hand someone else the reins and say, "Here. Fix it. Just tell me which is the right thing to do and I'll do it. Hopefully you'll take care of most of it."
That's the mentality I've been overly mired in lately when it comes to God. I genuinely want to do what God wants me to do, I want our family to be doing what He wants us to be doing, and I want to be planted where He wants us to be planted. But my problem was (ha, who am I kidding, still is!) that I want it to be straightforward and pre-decided - that straightforwardness is the reason I want someone to tell me what to do in the first place! But very few things in life are straightforward. Maybe you too have been in that place where you truly want to do what God wants you to do -  but you want Him to tell you exactly what that is, or to pave the path for you, and He doesn't. Because that's not usually how it works, and because what He really wants you to do is start walking down the tiny piece of path He's already shown you, and take your own action from there. Well, that's happening in about four major areas of my life right now.


Anyway, all of this is just to say -
We are moving! . . . and within the next week if at all possible.


I have mixed feelings. As in, take all the feelings and mix them together, and that's me right now! Fear is probably the big one, and the one that I know doesn't belong so I'm trying to squelch it. Fear of the unknown. Fear that we are moving out without a fully-realized plan other than taking refuge with the in-laws once again as we figure out where we are supposed to go from here. Fear of being insecure in finances and living situations. Fear of being poor and broke and stuck.
Aside from the fear? Sadness to be leaving this little house we have loved. Sadness at pulling up our roots from a place we thought we could stay planted a bit longer (turns out that it's not the place we are going to grow the most.) Sadness to be moving a bit farther away from friends we have made here. Also - Joy! Excitement at the prospect of a new house, perhaps even one that we could own rather than rent. Hope, as we hack through the jungle of finances and home-hunting, that we will be in a good place - a place, physically and metaphorically, where God wants us to be. Motivation to get 'er done, because the sooner we move the sooner we will find out if our hopes will be realized in the particular house we are visualizing. Anger and Disgust (can't leave them out now, can we!) at myself for poor home and life management skills, aka the amount of work that needs to be done to get us out the door. And Gratitude! Gratitude for the time we've spent here, the friends we've made here, the good memories with Tommy here, for the options ahead of us, for the possibilities of moving on to things and places that will fit this stage of life for us; and Gratitude for our families, especially our parents, who have been doing all they can to help us out in this time of transition and uncertainty.
And these are just the feelings about moving, much less the rest of life's "stuff"! To quote Ron Weasley, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." Well, I'm pretty close, but too tired and busy to actually get down to the business of exploding. ;)
We're gonna be okay. I have to tell myself that every day, but it's true. We have never been abandoned by the Lord in any previous circumstances; we have "made it through 100% of our bad days", as the saying goes; and we always are blessed with what we need. And wherever we are, family is what we are, and what we need the most. And though fear may tell me otherwise, it's not wrong to be happy and excited and put hope in the idea that what's ahead is going to be even better than what's behind! So here's to better things ahead!


"God is in your corner. Everything will work out for our good." -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

Semester Overview

Hello Blog. It's been awhile. Not for lack of writing - I wrote a searingly brutal word-vomit after Super Tuesday, and then another one on May 4th, after a certain someone became the presumptive Republican nominee. However, my husband urged me to exercise good judgement and wait 24 hours before posting. The writing did me some good. And waiting to share it was good too, as I decided that no one else needed to see all my angry snark on THAT subject. Not that I'm against word-vomits. Just the ones that bring out my angry streak a little too much. ;)

So how about some pictures instead of paragraphs? Here's our semester in pictures, from the Dentonoids.

This semester was out-of-control busy and, well, kinda stressful. As such, it involved a lot of poor-but-let's-call-them-awesome parenting decisions, like indoor picnics of Sonic breakfast burritos on blankets on messy floors in pajamas.

One of the things we LOVED about this semester was spending time with friends! We have been so amazed by all the wonderful people we met in the Adobe Villa Ward! I was so bummed out when boundaries changed and that was no longer our ward.

Much of my energy was devoted to my kids' group this semester. I took almost no pictures, though. I didn't even take pictures of the performance! Sad panda. So here's a shot that I took only to help one of these little girl remember who she stands by in that song, haha!

Thanks to some hard work and some extra family help, we were able to swing a Disneyland trip with my family! They hadn't been in about seven years, and it was such a blast experiencing it with them.

This kid inherited some Disney-love from his mama, I daresay. So many moments of pure happiness from him! It was magical.

And afterward? The perfect magic to follow up and complement a fast-paced theme park - my mom and dad took us all to the beach, and we all had a wonderful time.

Easter came and went with fun family picnics and a real effort to help Tommy understand what it was all about.

 In addition to the basic commitments of the semester, Chris was a musical director for his first-ever show! Big Fish the Musical! Lots of work, and lots of fun.

In our new ward, we were called to be nursery leaders. Neither of us have ever been in nursery, so it's definitely teaching us lots! But we love that we get to be together and we enjoy being with Tommy and all those darlings.

Posting this one just for cuteness, and because I was impressed with how quick he figured those tracks out on his own. I guess it's a pretty accurate depiction of HIS semester!

We found out that our sister-in-law and Chris's brother are expecting! It's a boy!! Tommy is gunna have a little cousin close to his age! We are thrilled for them, and they're going to be awesome parents.

On Mother's Day, we got to Skype with Aurelia, who is currently serving a mission in Tahiti. It was sure good to see her excited face and hear her bubbly voice!

The learning curve of Chris's first year of teaching was steep, to the very end. It's been hard work! But he seriously LOVES his kids, and they love him, and he was able to teach them so much. They had a great spring concert, Spring Sing, Baccalaureate, graduation, etc.! As a side note - Right at the end of the semester, Chris was officially declared legally blind. While that has been hard for him to swallow, we are hopeful that that the ensuing resources available to him will help him navigate the logistics of working and not driving.

I did my best to assist him as much as possible with his school stuff. And on the side, I got to assist this amazing lady with her Sunshine Singers! 

And then came my own show. Which I think was pretty good! I think the kids all had a great learning and performing experience! Again, I didn't get any pictures. But here's what it looked like at midnight the night before the show?

The truth is, this is probably the most accurate picture of my semester: driving around here to there, running errands, heading to and from class/lessons/work, or driving Chris, usually makeup-less and headband hair with a poor little tagalong buddy in the backseat:

Or maybe just this face: "We got this. Right? Right? Right?" 

[This was my #uglyselfiefriday the day before the show.]

All said and done, we survived Chris's first year of teaching. And, truthfully, went through a lot of challenges I'm not going to laundry-list here. . . it's been a tough semester. But through all the good and the bad, we have made it out alive on the other end! We're so thankful for all the blessings from people and from heaven that brought the good into, and out of, this semester.

Now, on to Workshop season!

(Stay tuned for a Tommy-only picture update, my parents and grandparents!)

Coming to Know God

My final "hope for 2016" in my last post was "Come to know God more". A scary thing to say, since coming to know God often involves fiery furnaces and lion's dens.  The unfortunate truth is that that's not what I want! But I do want to grow in my understanding and relationship with every member of the Godhead. 

I want to come to trust Heavenly Father in all His complexity more. In some ways, I feel like I have turned him into a magician who flips switches, a powerful someone who sits in heaven and opens and closes doors and windows based on prayers, behaviors, and tides of fate. It sounds foolish when written out like that, because I know that is not really who or what He is - even when that's sometimes what He does! And yet so much of my daily interaction with Him is only that, somehow. I want to move beyond this perception of a loving wish granter or denier, turning traffic lights red or green. I want to really understand God as a little more of who He is. 

I want to come to love and connect with Jesus Christ more. Since we pray only to the Father and "give the glory" to Him, and yet we worship Jesus Christ too, I sometimes have trouble reconciling that into a real, emotional relationship with Him. It's not that I don't love Jesus Christ, or feel the utmost gratitude for his Atonement, or feel Him in my life, because I absolutely do. I just feel like prayer has been one of my main ways of connecting to Heavenly Father, and without praying TO Christ, I need to be sure that I am finding other ways to nurture that connection with my Savior. On a similar note . . . 

I want to come to know Heavenly Mother. For anyone reading this who is not LDS, I invite to you to explore our belief in the idea that we have not only a Heavenly Father but a Heavenly Mother. For any of you who are LDS, I invite YOU to explore our belief that we have not only a Heavenly Father but also a Heavenly Mother! I know Heavenly Mother is a reality. I have felt Her - a distinct, divine feminine presence in my spiritual life. Lately I have felt deeply drawn to build a connection with Her. Which is a challenge, as there is hardly anything to go on: no direct scripture, only vague allusions, reasonable conclusions leading to the bare facts of Her existence and Her nature, and the reminder that we are not to pray to Her. I can only speculate as to why She is veiled from us (I think there are lots of reasons, but all of them are "made up" on logical guesses that may not even be that logical). And yet, I believe that the draw I feel to see God as Father and Mother is right. For is that not our ultimate goal, as individuals, couples, and families - to become like Them? As I mother my son, and as I weigh the wonderful and terrifying possibility of someday having another child, I want to get advice and support from God. Of course I pray to Heavenly Father, asking for guidance and blessings. Nor do I feel like I necessarily need to direct these prayers to Heavenly Mother instead, as I trust in His provided pattern and their oneness of purpose. But I feel like there is something especially bolstering in knowing that there is a Mother - a Woman who has walked where you are now walking - who is reaching out to you in your need with Love, guidance, and wisdom. I sure need that bolstering. I look forward to where this journey of seeking for Her will lead me. Which leads me to my final hope . . .

I want to keep the Spirit more regularly in my life. All of these journeys of seeking God are really one journey, and it is one that can only be facilitated by the Holy Spirit. So I want to have the Spirit as my constant companion. I want to really live in such a way that the Holy Ghost can be present in my every day life. We are given that amazing gift, but it's HARD to live! I want to feel that Spirit and the feelings it gives as the consistent undercurrent of my life, not the waves that come and go and come again. It's going to take WORK. Choosing to rein in anger and pour out kindness; to seek after that which is virtuous, lovely, or of good report; and to create order out of the chaos of our environments, creations, jobs or emotions, can be SO incredibly DIFFICULT. I struggle with these things. They're all the reasons life as flawed mortals is hard! Yet as we do these things we are promised the Spirit can be with us, and the presence of the Spirit is not only a blessing unto itself but a precursor of other goodness - it is the tide that carries us toward greater light.

I hope in expressing these things I haven't jinxed myself, as Elder Eyering did in asking for "mountains to climb". (See what I'm doing here, acting like I'm being divinely jinxed? Back to square one, coming to know the Father!). But I feel these things earnestly, and in sharing them I hope to be able to come back at a later time with new posts sharing what I've learned. I hope to report what has or hasn't been working for me as I try to keep the Spirit in my life. I hope to start meaningful conversations about Heavenly Mother with others who may be seeking Her - who knows but that I might have "kindred spirits" amongst my own friends, and not have known it! I hope to use the very act of writing these and other such things out, as one of the steps to constantly renew my love, gratitude, and connection to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. And I hope to have not only opinions to say but testimony and experiences to share so that anyone reading this may too, "Come to know God" more.

"I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver. I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment. The Lord possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old. I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was. When there were no depths, I was brought forth; when there were no fountains abounding with water. Before the mountains were settled, before the hills was I brought forth: While as yet he had not made the earth, nor the fields, nor the highest part of the dust of the world. When he prepared the heavens, I was there: when he set a compass upon the face of the depth: When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:

When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:

Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him; Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my delights were with the sons of men. Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways. Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not. Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors. For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the Lord." - Proverbs 8:17,19-20,22-35

Looking Back at 2015 and Looking Forward at 2016

 What a year 2015 has been. Sometimes in the day-to-day grind of daily life and bills and stresses we forget to soak ourselves in all the good stuff. And boy, has this year been full of the most incredible blessings and experiences!! I can hardly believe it when I look at this year as a whole. Chris got hired in his degree, and has spent a semester teaching choir, at a school he wouldn't have imagined being lucky enough to end up at. We are living in a HOUSE. Thomas has grown from sweet baby to happy, exceptionally bright little boy, talking up a storm. We've been blessed by family and friends with opportunities for some AMAZING trips, including Tommy's first experience at the beach, Chris's first experience at Six Flags, and me being able to attend my best friend's wedding in Hawaii. We've had difficult trials. Everyone does. Sometimes I get tunnel vision with anxiety and fear about those trials, and I need to work on not only remembering all the blessings, but also trusting my Savior (and myself) to get through hard things. Here's to working on that in 2016. ;)  Here's to 2015, and all the good and bad it held. And here's to 2016 - may we become better people, people who love more, laugh more, work more, and live more!

Goals and Hopes for 2016

It is my goal to: 

• Consistently, daily read my scriptures and the current General Conference address.
• Live a healthy lifestyle in which I eat nourishing foods, exercise, and live free from sugar addiction.
• Attend the temple once a month,  go on a date night once a month, and have family night every week.
• Organize and use my time wisely in order to be an engaged mom, keep a clean home, and be an effective teacher.
• Grow my children's performing groups into a thriving, successful, enjoyable program.
• Go to bed early and get up early.
• Treat everyone, including myself, with greater kindness and acceptance.

It is my hope to:

• Raise Thomas to be a happy, healthy toddler who feels loved, enjoys learning, and feels the Spirit in his daily life.
• Create a home environment that is loving, happy, clean, orderly, safe, rich in learning, Christ-centered, and filled with the Holy Ghost.
• Support Chris with kindness, service, and loyalty as he works and leads our family.
• Prepare myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially and physically for the possibility of another child in the future (see how vague that is there? ;) Be prepared for another post for further elaboration).
• Come to know God more. (See my next post).

25 Days of Christmas Books: Toddler Edition!

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a dear cousin of mine, when we began brainstorming what we were going to do with our families to keep Christmas Christ-centered. She gave me some lovely ideas that deserve their own post (hopefully I will get to it later in the season once we do them!). Of course, one of the big ones that came up in my mind is Christmas books!  The 25 Days of Christmas books is traveling across the mommy-blogosphere right now, and it really appealed to me as a daily way to keep our Christmas magical AND Christ-centered. I knew I'd have some favorite titles to share with her, so when she asked for some suggestions I began writing down all the books I wanted to use. By the time I was done sending her my list, I realized I had half a blog post on my hands! So here it is and then some!

But this list may be a little different from others you might find. While there are DOZENS of Christmas books that I ADORE, I have to keep in mind that my kiddo is only a toddler. So while I may love "The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey", is Tommy really going to sit through that whole book? Maybe, maybe not, since he's pretty good at sitting through stories for his age. But I can't choose books of that length and complexity night after night. So I went really simple this year, with the majority of the books catering to the toddler and preschool crowd. A lot of these are board books. 13 are Christ-centered/nativity-related, 5 more are giving/serving-based, and 7 are more of the "Christmas magic" sort. I hope you find some books to share with your children, too!

25 BOOKS OF CHRISTMAS: For Toddlers/Youngers/Shorter Attention Spans

Dec. 1: What is Christmas? by Michelle Medlock Adams. It's a cute rhyming board book that goes through all the fun things to do on Christmas while asking what Christmas is really about, then moving to Jesus' birth as the answer. A great kickstarter to the holiday season.

Dec 2: My Very First Christmas Story. Just a sweet, large board book of the nativity story.

Dec. 3: The First Christmas, by Tomie DePaola. This was my husband's favorite Christmas book as a child. That classic, beautiful DePaola artwork is transformed in this gorgeous popup book. Thomas loved it! And so did I.

Dec 4: Room For a Little One, by Martin Waddell. I got this one at Deseret Book last year. In this book of shimmery, gold-flecked art, Kind Ox gives a place to Old Dog, Old Dog makes room for Stray Cat, Stray Cat makes a safe place for Small Mouse, etc., with the refrain of "always room for a little one here" culminating in the arrival of baby Jesus.

Dec. 5: Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi. Yeah, Tommy requested this one three times in a row. He's Mickey obsessed. Plus points is that the cartoon version is on Netflix right now. If your child isn't a Mickey lover, or if you are wanting something less "branded", you can always choose another version of Gift of the Magi.

Dec. 6: The Usborne Touchy-Feely Nativity. Don't worry - while I am an Usborne consultant, I'm not putting this in here to sell to you - because it's out of print! ;) I just love this one anyway. There are multiple textures on each page, from the donkey's ears to the swaddling blanket. And of course, the nativity story in here is simple and sweet.

Dec. 7: Little Tree by e. e. cummings . Something about this book always bring a smile to my face and a lump to my throat. The artwork is so special to me (so get the one illustrated by Deborah Kogan Ray!).

Dec. 8: The Little Drummer Boy, by Ezra Jack Keats. I think this is THE original? This text is just the text o the song, so it could be sung or spoken.

Dec 9: God Bless Our Christmas, by Hannah C. Hall. I wouldn't actually recommend this. . . I got it at a thrift story for a buck, and for it's good size, sweet Arctic animal pictures, etc., it's been a definite win for a toddler. But would I have paid the $10 price on the back, no. If I had money and wanted to make this a perfect list, I'd probably sub this out for Olive the Other Reindeer or Jan Brett's The Mitten.

Dec. 10: The Friendly Beasts. There are many great versions of this song-story of animals giving gifts to the baby Jesus. I can't remember who makes my favorite (my mom owns it).This year we're using The Animals' First Christmas, which is the same text as the friendly beasts but minus two verses and in a board book to keep it Tommy-friendly. This one can also be sung or spoken.

Dec. 11: How the Grinch Stole Christmas. No explanation needed!

Dec. 12: Ummmm. . . I can't find it at the moment to 100% confirm the title, but I think it's A Charlie Brown Christmas. But there are, like, four different versions, at least two of which have different art, and I can't remember which one I ended up choosing at Bookman's. But regardless, gotta have some Charlie Brown every Christmas, right? Go choose the one that looks best to you. ;)

Dec. 13: The Christmas Train by Thomas S. Monson. While this might veer a tiny bit out of the toddler-friendly category, I don't think it will be a problem because of its large, colorful illustrations (and the toy trains!).

Dec 14: The Story of the Nutcracker Ballet. While there are versions I like much better (particularly in the artwork category), we are choosing the one by Deborah Hautzig and illustrated by Diana Goode because it's shorter, and well, I  already have it. And that art's not bad! It's just not as amazing as others I've seen. He's already loving Grandma's nutcrackers this season, so I want to give it some context.

Dec. 15: The Polar Express. Another oldie-but-goodie.

Dec. 16: This is the Star, by Joyce Dunbar and Gary Blythe. A great read-aloud with cumulative rhyme that's soothing to listen to. "This is the angel shining bright, who came to the shepherds watching by night, who saw the star in the sky." By the end there's a lot of text per page, with starker, darker art, so choose it on a good-attention-span kind of night. ;)

Dec. 17: Secrets of Winter. This is the only book on my list that's not a Christmas book, and is instead a winter book. But the fun of this one is that it is a "shine-a-light" book! You use a flashlight behind the page to reveal hidden pictures: rabbits in a snowbank, squirrels in a hollow tree, etc. Tommy loves playing with flashlights with Grandpa, and he loves the Seashore edition of this book we have, so I know it's going to be a hit.

Dec. 18: Christmas in the Manger, by Felicia Bond. Disclaimer: I haven't read this one yet, I'm ordering it. But every review, every picture, and everyone I know who has read it gives it two thumbs up. I'm looking forward to checking it out!

Dec. 19: A Present for Piglet. Just like the God Bless Our Christmas, I wouldn't recommend this for anyone else, per se. But my buddy boy LOVES Winnie the Pooh, and will in fact be having a Pooh-themed birthday party on this very day! So we're going with it. ;) If I were less broke, I'd get "Silent Night", the one with the Thomas Kinkaide illustrations, to put in on this night.

Dec. 20: Noel, by Tony Johnston. This one has lovely watercolor pictures and lush, sensation-oriented poetry. It gives some meaning to what may be an empty Christmas word for kids (and adults, too!). A great read-aloud!

These last five are very special to me, enough so that on three or four of them I'm breaking the rules of "toddler-friendliness". I may have to sum up pages or accept that he won't "get" it, but they are MUSTS for my Christmas season with my family, the ones that will be part of our family Christmas traditions forever.

Dec. 21: The Littlest Angel. I thought everyone knew this classic, but I have discovered that many people don't know this one! It's the sweet story of the littlest angel in heaven as he struggles to adapt to heaven, how he gives his most precious gift to the Christ-child, and how his sacrifice is transformed by God into something most wondrous. I don't know if I've ever read this book without crying. In a good way! Go get this book!

Dec. 22: The Night Before Christmas. While it seems counter-intuitive to not be reading this on Christmas Eve, I save Christmas Eve for the most Christ-centered book. But we're still reading this close enough to Christmas Eve to soak in the magic of it!

Dec. 23: I Believe in Santa Claus. A good follow up after The Night Before Christmas. This beautiful book shows the many ways that Santa is a symbol of Jesus Christ. GO GET THIS BOOK, PLEASE. (and this is an exception to my disclaimer about - this one has beautiful, large illustrations and short, simple sentences). I get teary every time I read this book. This is a win for toddlers and kids.

Dec. 24: When Jesus Was Born in Bethlehem, illustrated by Joseph Brickey. It's all directly from scripture, so it's like the traditional reading of Luke 2. But it's BETTER because it includes more scriptures - ones that remind us of the reason Christ came to earth, the annunciation, etc. . . and the artwork is SO BEAUTIFUL. I really feel the Spirit each time we read from this. My Noble family reads this every Christmas Eve after dinner. Here's a couple of my favorites from this book:

Dec. 25: The Tale of Three Trees. Although I know this will go over Tommy's head in most ways, I think the spirit of this book will carry it through. This folktale tells of three trees who fulfill their aspirations in unexpected but remarkable ways - as they become Jesus' manger, boat, and cross. I think this is a great one for Christmas Day because it helps us look beyond just the manger and on to the purposes of Christ's coming. Can't go a Christmas season without this special book.

So those are our 25 Books of Christmas, toddlerized! Next year or the year after, I will re-work this list to include many of MY favorite titles that I had to leave off since he's so little! Classics like The Christmas Candle, or new favorites like Angela and the Baby Jesus. I can't wait to introduce to Tommy to some of those, once his attention span and interest have reached their level!

I'm always on the lookout for new children's books, especially Christmas. So if you have any recommendations, send 'em my way!

Growing, Learning, and Giving Thanks

My blog stands as Exhibit A in the showcase, "Evidence that People Never Change". Well, I suppose they do. That's the idea. And yet since elementary school, my journals are riddled with gaping holes of time followed by apologetic re-introductions as I explain why I haven't written in so long and how I'm going to do better at consistently writing. This blog is no different. Hello again, folks! So I'll skip the excuses and jump right into a bit of catch-up!

Chris is growing and learning. His first year of teaching is underway! He got off to a great start at one of the "pillar" schools of Mesa, where he loves the kids and the kids love him. He's definitely got a lot to do and a lot to learn, but he's pushing through the curve balls and loving his work. He's also being helped and supported by a great parent system over there. The holidays (an EXTRA crazy time for musicians) are bearing down on him, and he(we) are taking the deep breath before the plunge. I am so proud of him for all he is doing. I am also grateful for how he rises in the wee hours of the morning to walk to the bus, how he comes home from a busy school day and still jumps in to rescue me and Tommy from each other at the end of our long days, and how cheerfully he works at both his day job and "home job".

Tommy is growing and learning. Can I say again just how much I love this age? This age is all about exploration, hugs, tantrums, park days, Grandma's house, Pooh Bear, Woody and Buzz, singing to oneself, the beginnings of make believe, animal crackers, making messes, getting into power plays, doggies, and kitties. He's the freakin' best, even when it's the worst. His current favorite movies are Toy Story 2 and Mary Poppins. His favorite songs are "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Jingle Bells" (we get a head start on the Christmas season in these parts). Tommy is good at matching pitch and really good at having meltdowns when things don't go exactly his way in a play date. His favorite treat is M&Ms. He's quite the articulate little talker (or maybe it's just my mom brain knowing what he's saying), and has a few daily phrases I hope to remember when he's older: "Oh yiiiiehhhsss" ("oh yes" high to low, when he's particularly pleased about what he's being offered); "move please" ("get out of my way, or off the couch, or go in another room so I can do something naughty"); "Superalissandlena" (a weird conglomeration of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and Alex and Lena from Signing Time); "two, three, eight, nine!" (his way of counting without thinking about it first, and also his way of saying he wants a lot of something). At the store the other day, as he asked if we were all done and when I said, "two or three more things", he responded enthusiastically in higher and higher pitches, "two, three, eight, nine M&Ms! Oh, danchou, mama! danchou!" ("Thank you!") Needless to say, we got some M&Ms.

I am growing and learning too. I'm growing as a full-time mom, having taken a semester off from my kids' groups while Chris gets settled in to his first year of teaching. I'm still working on my anxiety and depression (with some success) and on my sugar addiction (without much success). It's hard. I'm trying to stop arguing with, and crying for, the world. It's hard. I'm working on channeling my sensitivities and my stress into better avenues. I'm working on learning to be creative and frugal with our finances, which have definitely taken a hard hit from losing my paycheck and adding on health insurance and other "real adult" bills. I've been exercising consistently for, like, the third time in my life! I'm working on not hating myself when I don't succeed in the above areas. I'm learning to redefine what success means in my head. I'm trying to establish meaningful, dynamic relationships with Heavenly Father (which has always come naturally for me), and Jesus Christ (which has always required a bit more effort for some reason). And I'm gratefully growing where I'm planted in this lovely house, this nice ward, this beautiful time of year, and with my sweet boys. 

In this month of Thanksgiving, I truly have been giving thanks - for the tender mercies from Heavenly Father that have rescued us each time I think I cannot make it another day, financially or emotionally. For my sweet husband who is my rock and my motor when the going gets tough. For my Tommy who brings laughter and love to my life. For my mother for being my best friend, a source of consolation and encouragement. For anonymous and not-so-anonymous angels. For friends old and new. For family born into and married into. For the remembrance that God has a plan for all of us, even when there is so much pain, suffering, evil, and misunderstanding in the world. For the kindness and courage that all of us are capable of. And for the remembrance that Jesus Christ is a SAVIOR, THE Savior, in our simplest struggles and our heaviest sins and trials. Happy Thanksgiving.

And now, my beloved brethren, I desire that ye should remember these things, and that ye . . . contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you." - Alma 34:37-38

In Which Aubrey Whines and Then Counts Her Blessings

Hello The Internets. I really just want to whine for a while, and I think my husband has absorbed all the whining on his own, which certainly isn't nice. So here I am. I got scabies last weekend, and it's been the WORST.
I don't care that that's not socially acceptable to announce on a blog. I just wanna vent about it. Don't know how or where I got it, but I know that's what it is since I've had it once before. And it has itched like a *$!#*. I have burned myself with tea tree oil, bleach, scrubbed with borax, taken scalding baths in hydrogen peroxide/borax/tea tree oil multiple times a day, and paid over 60 bucks for six-freaking-ounces of prescription permethrin cream. Ain't nobody got time for all that. Especially me. Right now. And after all that, I'm still covered in festering blistery bumps that are making me miserable. So what's the deal?
Then I read about this thing called Post Scabies Syndrome. Which is basically all the same reactions in your body as scabies, except as a RESULT of the scabies treatment rather than as a result of the scabies. So how, I ask you, am I supposed to tell if I killed all the little mother-buggers or if it's a reaction to the insecticide treatment?? Because I'd really like to snuggle my son again! And stop having to boil everything I touch. And you know, not infect the Magic Music Kidz I'll be working with come Monday. Although really, I can't imagine that the little devils have survived the permethrin cream (and my rigorous routine of burning myself with water and chemicals on a daily basis). My hands and feet actually have larger burn areas than blister areas, and they are killing me! I can't even lay them out flat or curl them up without pain. And yet I keep waking up with itches in the night. UGGGGGGGH.
I know there are worse things out there that people have to deal with. But right now, I'm feeling lonely and dirty and itchy and burned and with a to-do list getting longer than I can keep up with because of taking care of this. So I'd like to have my whine. So there!

Now that I've had it, I'm feeling guilty because I'm supposed to be writing about my joys. And because I always end my posts with a scripture or uplifting quote, and how am I supposed to uphold that tradition after I just spent a whole post literally doing nothing but whine? Hm.
I think I shall balance it out a bit by counting some of my most recent things to be thankful for.

1. Getting scabies has caused me to scrub my house from top to bottom, and it really needed it. It's been hard to keep the house clean after a move when you're still unpacking, and I've never been the cleanest person. Maybe this was what I needed to get back to square one and to make some changes in my home habits?
2. I've gotten out of a LOT of diaper changing lately due to the scabies. ;)
3. Chris. Chris is ALWAYS on my list of things to be thankful for. And as usual he is pulling me along, encouraging me, and helping me lift my own loads a bit.
4. Tommy, who is also always on my list of things to be thankful for. It's been hard for him and for me to not be able to be close this week, but we have found other ways to have fun together. And well, yes, watch more movies than usual, too.
5. Our new refrigerator. It might seem random amidst everything else on this list, but it's been such a blessing - and a game changer! Our other fridge ruined produce and had uneven warm and cool spots, and because of that I gave up on even trying to eat healthy or buy healthy options. With the help of some earthly angels, we got ourselves a new fridge! And now it's stocked full of fruits and veggies, and I am loving it so much!

Okay, I am feeling better and I think I can end on that note. May your weekend be blessing-filled and scabies-free!

"Remembering mine affliction and my misery . . . My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:19-23